What I learned in Denver

“Don’t look back ‘cause you know what you might see.” – Oasis, D’you know what I mean?

Allow me a moment to be sentimental and reflective, I’m less than 72 hours from leaving a city that has challenged everything I thought I knew about myself. I’m not even sure how to put my time here into words, my soul has aged so much the last eight and a half months that sometimes it feels more like eight and a half years. Other times things have happened so fast that it feels like a dream, those moments that you savor. The ones you play back in your mind over and over just because you have to remind yourself they were real and you don’t ever want to forget that and the rush that came with them.

Things like:

Your first night in your own apartment on your own 1000 miles from everyone you know.

Helping a friend film a movie all over the city.

Staying up 38 hours just because you don’t want the night to end.

Drinking coffee, lots and lots of coffee. Not because you like it, but because you love the people on the other side of the table.

Watching Brad get out of a parking ticket.

Parallel parking on a hill.

Poker nights with the guys.

The drive to and from the Men’s Advance. (As well as the event it’s self.)

The crisp cutting chill of the morning air as you watch the sun rise over Garden of the Gods.

The joy of having Spanish class cancelled by snow.

Helping Katelin hunt for a phone.

Learning you’re capable of doing more than you thought.

Understanding that being mature doesn’t mean you’ll ever stop being a kid at heart.

Friday mornings with Owen at the office.

Going site seeing with the Denver 2011 church planting team.

Spending New Years with people you didn’t even know the year before and loving every minute of it.

Wearing a wig and dress for history class.

Going to bed exhausted but thrilled about the idea of getting up in the morning.

Moving furniture with Brad, multiple times.

The site of the Front Range covered in fresh snow.

Getting signatures to start a student group.

Standing at Red Rocks and looking out over the entire city.

Being on 17th Street facing the TIAA-CREF building, my favorite view in the entire city.

Riding through downtown on the back of Mau’s scooter.

Riding RTD.

First Friday’s in the Santa Fe art district.

Driving to and from Colorado Springs at least once a week.

Every Sunday I spent at High View.

All these things impacted who I am, and left a permanent mark on my soul. I can’t explain how or to what extent, mostly because even I don’t know the full answer to that question, but I know they did and I know I’m a better person for it.

The Idol of Love

“Cause maybe you’re gonna’ be the one that saves me.” – Oasis, Wonderwall


Love. We live in a culture that loves love, or at least its idea of it. We sing songs, read books, and watch movies that exult the idea that when you find that “special someone” the rest of your life will be perfect, that they’ll save you from everything about your life that you hate and the rest of your life will be some thrilling, romantic adventure filled with passion and excitement. The problem is that it’s not true. People of the opposite sex may make good friends and spouses, but they’re terrible saviors. No matter how much someone loves you, they will fail you; and you, in turn, will fail them. It doesn’t matter if it’s a friend, a child, or a spouse they will be unable to fill the void in your soul that desires to be loved. They can’t, they weren’t created too. We were created to love, and be loved, by God Himself and anything short of that will never satisfy us.

That doesn’t mean that loving other people deeply is a bad thing. That feeling, that emotion, that desire was given to us by God. In one of the most astonishing passages in the Bible God actually says that Man being alone in his perfect, sinless form is a bad thing. (Gen. 2:18) So God created a helpmate, someone who could provide companionship, Woman. (Gen. 2:21-23)If that wasn’t mind boggling enough He says that when two people are joined together in marriage they become one entity in God’s eyes. (Gen. 2:24)

So if love, marriage, and romance are all good, enjoyable, life giving, God ordained things then why are they bad things to desire? They aren’t. There’s nothing wrong with desiring to “fall in love”, get married, and share your life with another person. The problem comes when you make the pursuit of love and romance the primary purpose of your life. Our relationships with others are intended to be the icing on the cake, not the cake its self. Anyone who’s ever eaten too much icing knows what happens. You get a stomach ache, your body doesn’t function properly, and you just feel lousy in general. Likewise, when we focus all our energy on finding happiness in relationships with others, instead of communing with God through the person and work of Jesus and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, we will grow dissatisfied, angry, and frustrated.

In short, love is something to be enjoyed, not worshiped.

My sin

Trying to work through writers block. I hate that word, that state of being. I’m sitting here trying to get my thoughts out on a piece of paper and my brain decides to stop feeding me anything worth typing and all I’m left with is deep, unpenetratable darkness and fog rolling around my mind. Clogging all avenues of thought and forcing me to find my way through the side streets and back alleys of thought. As I try to find my way to a clear thought I pass places I haven’t ventured in years and never dared to stay and visit for fear of what I’d remember and the things they would cause me to feel. The sorrow of loss, the deep despair of depression and hopelessness, the stabbing pain of betrayal, the fear of living a lie. They all come rushing back to me as I stop and stare into the storefronts in my mind. The stores have names like, “My Family”, “High school”, “The Air Force”, “Girls”, and “People I thought were friends”. I want to turn and walk away, to never look at these things again but I can’t. I’m held there in a state of morbid curiosity praying, hoping, pleading, that somehow as I watch the past unfold in front of me that this time things will turn out different. That maybe this time my cousin won’t get addicted to drugs. That I’ll do more with my teenage years, instead of waiting until I’m 17 to pay attention to God’s voice. That I’ll be a better leader in basic training this time. That if I replay it over in my mind for the millionth time I won’t have to break up with my girlfriend. And maybe, just maybe, this time people will care enough about me to keep me from spending the better part of a night hunched over a toilet puking my guts out.

Instead I see the same things I always see. The heartbreak, the selfishness, the stupidity, the poor choices, and the nights of crying myself to sleep. I want to tear myself away from the horror show playing out before me, but I can’t, I won’t, because as painful as it is to watch I remember what comes next. The restoration, the redemption, the growth, and finding a spiritual depth I never dreamed of. Not because I deserve it, but because Jesus died for me. He died to cover my sin, my pain, my stupidity, and my invisible spine and redeem them. He reaches into the farthest, most dirty areas of my life and transforms them into something amazing; something new, clean, and pure. And all I can do in return is give Him all the glory for it, there’s nothing about the process I can take credit for. The images in the store’s windows are painful reminders that on my own I’m useless and constantly making a mess out of things.

Jesus is the only thing I have that’s worth anything, the only one who can put me back together, the only one who’s ever lived a perfect life so I wouldn’t have to, and that makes Him the only thing worth clinging to. Not my scars, my pride, or my pain. So I watch the movies play themselves out again and again to remind myself of a love greater and stronger than all my sin. I don’t enjoy the suffering, but I love being rescued.

Markers along the way

I think it's important for people to have mementos from important moments in their life. Birth certificates, diplomas, wedding rings, these are all reminders of significant events in our lives. For Christians it's also important to have things that remind us of the times in our spiritual lives that God provided for us in unforeseen and amazing ways. We see this repeatedly throughout the Bible, especially the Old Testament. After their miraculous crossing of the Jordan river the Israelites set up a stone memorial to remind them of what God had done for them there. (Josh 4:20-24) In fact in the book of Joshua alone the Israelites set up seven memorials to remind them of important moments in their history. (Josh 4:20-24, 7:26, 8:28-29, 8:32, 10:27, 22:34, 24:26-27)

In my own life there are things that are markers of times God has worked, for, in, and through me. Anytime I see a Pizza Hut I'm reminded of my salvation and the joy and freedom I have in that. My charcoal and navy blue fleece is a reminder of my mission trip to Vietnam, what I saw God do there, and that I'm supposed to live as a missionary where I am. My newest marker (and the one that prompted this post) is the skyline of Denver and the Rockies. I was driving home last night from Buffalo Wild Wings and came over the crest of a hill and there below me was Denver. Between the street lights, the skyscrapers, and headlights, it looked like a giant living Christmas tree. I was reminded of everything God had done on my behalf for me to arrive here. An Air Guard recruiter so determined to fill slots that he looks through the IRR records to find people in those career fields, the only one in Colorado who does that. A new GI Bill that provides me with the income I need to live here. Putting me in touch with an Acts 29 church that's not even a year old yet, thus making it the perfect learning opportunity for me. Helping me find and sign for an apartment in less then a week that "just happens" to only be three and a half miles from where I go to school and church. Those are just some of the things I'm reminded of when I see the Qwest building, or The Flatirons. I smile, laugh, and thank God for providing for me far beyond what I deserve in spite of the fact that I never have, and never will, do anything to deserve it.

These are some of mine, I would encourage you to stop and take a few minutes to think about times God has moved mightily on your behalf and what some things are that remind you of that. Because there will be times that you'll feel forsaken and need those things to remind you that the God who was with you then is still with you now.