Raw

That's how my soul feels right now. Raw. Unprotected. Vulnerable. Tired, exhausted really. Everything about me just feels worn down, beat up, and spent. I'm burnt out, confused, frustrated, slightly pissed, and just ready for a break in general. I'm ready to be done with school, with trying to figure out how things are going to work themselves out. I honestly don't even have the energy to be irked about going to Anderson University anymore. It's just not worth the effort it would take. I'm more or less numb to pretty much everything right now, and tired of constantly living in this middle ground. I feel like I'm perpetually suspended between being treated like an adult or a child. I'm almost 28 years old for crying out loud, I AM an adult. I know it may not look like it but I'm not wondering aimlessly around trying to find a way to spend my life shirking responsibility. It's not my fault that God didn't personally come down and give me some clearly spelled out plan for the next ten years of my life, so yes, there's been a lot of trial and error that I'm sure hasn't looked all that impressive from the outside but trust me when I say I've been following the Holy Spirit and it's leading every step of the way. Granted, it's lead me in a big circle right back to good ole' Anderson, and that is a bit frustrating, but I followed Him every step of the way. I can't say that it makes sense to me or that all of the last year and a half ever will but I do know that everything I did was what I was supposed to do at the time. It's deepened my conviction that God has undoubtedly called me to plant churches and to help train and equip people for church planting, over seas missions work, and just helping people understand and appreciate the importance of being missionaries in their own backyards.

I've been listening to the Robbie Seay Band's version of "Beautiful Scandalous Night" almost non stop lately, here are the lyrics:

Go on up to the mountain of mercy
To the crimson perpetual tide
Kneel down on the shore
Be thirsty no more
Go under and be purified
Follow Christ to the holy mountain
Sinner sorry and wrecked by the fall
Cleanse your heart and your soul
In the fountain that flows
For you and for me and for all

Chorus:

At the wonderful, tragic, mysterious tree
On that beautiful, scandalous night you and me
Were atoned by His blood and forever washed white
On that beautiful, scandalous night

On the hillside, you will be delivered
At the foot of the cross justified
And your spirit restored
By the river that pours
From our blessed Savior's side