What happens if you just type?

I honestly don't have anything to say, I just have this overwhelming urge to write...., so here we go. Mostly I just find the sound of the keyboard soothing. There's something about that lite tap, tap, tap, sound that enamours me. The way the keys feel as the give way to your finger tips, your will, your creative juices...., it empowering and comforting all that same time. Especially when you don't have anything you HAVE to or NEED to say...., when you just let the words pour out like water. Sometimes wondering along like a gentle brook, other times gushing out like torrid, raging river that can't be held back. People have found their comfort in words for years, whether in writing an epic tail or through the telling of an ancient fable words have untied and at the same time divided people. A well placed word can earn you favor with kings, a poorly placed one can get you killed. Words that bear truth have the ability to change the course of lives, nations, empires, all of history. Words full of falsehood can betray, kill, steal, and impoverish just as quickly. Words...., words...., can heal the broken and break the haughty. They can bring comfort to your soul, even when they have no meaning. Simply giving yourself a voice can make you feel released, refreshed, safe. Calm, peaceful, just listening the to the keyboard...., that's all I really needed to take myself to another place. To quit caring about the rest of the world and what they think, and just type until I don't want to anymore.

The Last Ten Years....

Today was one of those days where I didn't wake up on the wrong side of the bed, I woke up on the weird side of the bed. You know, one of those days where everything seems like a dream you can't wake up from...., I always find myself stuck between apathy and second guessing myself on these kinds of days. I usually wish I could go back to my sophomore or junior year of high school and redo the last 10 or 11 years of my life. I have this crazy idea that if I could that somehow I do things "right" and by the time I got to be 27 again my life wouldn't be such a mess. But I realized something today, that even if I could go back I have no idea what I would do. Which is encouraging and scary at the same time. On the one hand it's nice to know that I haven't jacked things up so bad that there's some major thing I wish I could undo, but at the same time I'm almost 28 and I still have no idea what direction to take entirely, which is not really a happy thought. I actually laughed out loud when I realized this earlier today. That if I could go back, I'm not sure I'd change anything and even if I did I'm not sure it wouldn't make my life even more messier then it already is. Or, I could have a successful looking life, but be dieing on the inside. So I guess the bottom line is I'm not thrilled with my life, but I'm not sure I'd be willing to risk going back and changing it either.

Things that make me feel old

Cell Phones: I remember when getting a phone in my room was a big deal. Now I have one in my pocket.

Sheryl Crow's song "I can't cry anymore": I was 14 when it came out. I heard for the first times in years today and realized....., well I'm not sure what, but it made me feel old.

Anything by the Spin Doctor's: I heard them today too....., man I really need to quit listening to the radio.

mp3's: I can remeber dancing around the living room to records when I was growing up, now we listen to music in tiny little digital things.

Having a car payment: Heck, I could have just said having a car, but the fact that I know enough about money to balance my expenses is pretty mind blowing to the 8 year old in me.

The church and the Gospel

I’ve been thinking about this since church Sunday, the difference between people who go to church and people who are the church. I know this this has been talked, wrote, and debated about to death but there’s something about sitting in church that makes me rethink the idea of church.

Here are some of the things that crossed my mind:

How do we get people to quite thinking about church as something you do and instead as something you are? Is there a way? Because honestly I’d rather be surrounded by 10 people who are passionately in love with Jesus and proclaiming His Gospel and encouraging me to do likewise, then with 300 who are just there because church is what you “do” on Sundays and our church building has the most comfortable chairs to take a nap in in the area.

What’s with our fascination with numbers and programs? We say that they don’t matter but we seem so reluctant to let them go. I know some programs are necessary (like training and discipleship for example) but do we really need something every night of the week? How are people supposed to build relationships and live the Gospel with world around them if we keep them busy all the time? Or what if they have the time to do those things but we’re not actively, publicly, encouraging them too pursue that course of action?

We admit that church is messy, but then act like it’s not. What’s the point in having people meet together in groups (small groups, community groups, cell groups, whatever catch phrase your church has attached to it) if real, raw, honest, communication isn’t happening? If we can’t admit we’re jacked up sinners still very much in need of the Gospel ourselves to each other how are we ever going to get our people to be that honest with unbelievers? The Gospel message will not be attractive at all to the world around us if the people who are trying to live/share it are pretending to be something they’re aren’t. Namely, perfect.

Granted there are more things that could go here, and this is a bit of a personal rant that should be taken with a grain of salt, but I think there are plenty of us who sit in a building on Sunday and from time to time wonder “how did we get here? Is this really the best we can do?”

Army...., anyone?

A lot of things have changed and shifted lately and I would really appreciate your prayers, and input.

A few weeks ago I decided that I should probably double check the numbers for tuition at the University of North Texas partly because I’m not known for my ability with numbers and as I was looking over all the information it looked like I probably miscalculated the cost of school, which I had. Since then I’ve looked into other options that would allow me to move to Dallas and attend The Village Church but nothing I came across seemed like the right thing to do so I’ve scraped that plan.

Initially it looked like I would enroll in the adult learning program at Anderson University and get my B.A. in Christian Ministry and while that option is still in play, my focus has shifted elsewhere.

The more I thought about living in Anderson for another 2 to 3 years (minimum) the more I knew I couldn’t do it. Which is why at this point I’m planning on joining the Army in August and making a career of it while finishing my degree and hopefully starting on my master’s degree. I have a bigger plan behind it though; I’m hoping to use the Army as a launching point for a kind of organic/cell church planting network. This an idea I’ve been mulling over since the Exponential Conference in Orlando last year and every time I would think about it I always came back to thinking that the military was the perfect place to start this kind of ministry. The two career fields that I’d like to sign up for, psychological operations and human intelligence collector, are based on my desire to plant churches and start this kind of movement in the military. They are both in the intelligence career field and involve being able to adapt to different cultures and find ways to communicate a message in a way that makes sense within the context of that culture. I can’t think of a better place to find ready made church planters, all you have to do is equip them with a proper understanding of the Gospel and they already have the training in people skills and adaptation to find ways to best spread the message the culture around them.

Of course there are other things that factor into this decision but this is a pretty good “big picture” overview of where I’m at right now.

Raw

That's how my soul feels right now. Raw. Unprotected. Vulnerable. Tired, exhausted really. Everything about me just feels worn down, beat up, and spent. I'm burnt out, confused, frustrated, slightly pissed, and just ready for a break in general. I'm ready to be done with school, with trying to figure out how things are going to work themselves out. I honestly don't even have the energy to be irked about going to Anderson University anymore. It's just not worth the effort it would take. I'm more or less numb to pretty much everything right now, and tired of constantly living in this middle ground. I feel like I'm perpetually suspended between being treated like an adult or a child. I'm almost 28 years old for crying out loud, I AM an adult. I know it may not look like it but I'm not wondering aimlessly around trying to find a way to spend my life shirking responsibility. It's not my fault that God didn't personally come down and give me some clearly spelled out plan for the next ten years of my life, so yes, there's been a lot of trial and error that I'm sure hasn't looked all that impressive from the outside but trust me when I say I've been following the Holy Spirit and it's leading every step of the way. Granted, it's lead me in a big circle right back to good ole' Anderson, and that is a bit frustrating, but I followed Him every step of the way. I can't say that it makes sense to me or that all of the last year and a half ever will but I do know that everything I did was what I was supposed to do at the time. It's deepened my conviction that God has undoubtedly called me to plant churches and to help train and equip people for church planting, over seas missions work, and just helping people understand and appreciate the importance of being missionaries in their own backyards.

I've been listening to the Robbie Seay Band's version of "Beautiful Scandalous Night" almost non stop lately, here are the lyrics:

Go on up to the mountain of mercy
To the crimson perpetual tide
Kneel down on the shore
Be thirsty no more
Go under and be purified
Follow Christ to the holy mountain
Sinner sorry and wrecked by the fall
Cleanse your heart and your soul
In the fountain that flows
For you and for me and for all

Chorus:

At the wonderful, tragic, mysterious tree
On that beautiful, scandalous night you and me
Were atoned by His blood and forever washed white
On that beautiful, scandalous night

On the hillside, you will be delivered
At the foot of the cross justified
And your spirit restored
By the river that pours
From our blessed Savior's side

Never a dull moment

So it turns out I was slightly off in my calculations on tuition for UNT (What? Me, bad with numbers? Noooooooo........) :) Right now I'm working on various and sundry new "it" plans and right now it looks like Dallas Christian College's adult education program may be a good fit. Assuming I can find a job in the DFW area. I'm getting ready to write The Village to see if they can help me locate a job in the metroplex somewhere. Obviously I'd like this too all work out and be the end of my drama for the time being. Of course I know God is not surprised by any of this and is guiding my steps in exactly the direction that He had planned for me long before I was born so please pray that if this is God's will everything would work out soon and if not that it would be clear what I'm supposed to do next.